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Accepting the past, especially if you perceive aspects of it as negative, can be a challenging but transformative process. Here are some steps to help you accept and move forward: Acknowledge your feelings Allow yourself to feel the emotions associated with the past. Whether it's regret, anger, or sadness, there's no feeling to resist. Just accept whatever is coming up for you if you get triggered or when you find yourself pondering something. Acknowledging your feelings is the first step toward acceptance.  Practice self-compassion Be kind to yourself. Are you struggling to accept your own actions or behaviors in the past? Or making yourself wrong for not having "moved on"? Grant yourself the same compassion you would offer a friend in a similar situation. Everyone makes mistakes and behaves badly sometimes, or faces difficult situations that bring out the worst in them. Keep this in mind as we move deeper into a conversation for forgiveness of others. Shift your perspective (embrace everything!) Try to view the past as a source of learning and growth rather than a series of mistakes. Consider the lessons you've gained and how they've contributed to your personal development. This is critical in not just accepting the past but embracing it. To experience "completion" with everything in your past, it helps to adopt the mentality that you are who you are today because of everything (and everyone) that happened to you in the past. If you find something dissatisfying about that statement, it's your responsibility to transform aspects of yourself that no longer serve you. Understand unchangeable aspects Recognize aspects of the past that are beyond your control. Events cannot be changed, but your perspective and response to them can evolve. If you saw abuse in your household, for example, there is nothing to smooth over or forget about. There is, however, an opportunity to explore how you continue to respond to abuse memories today, as though it were still happening. This can take a few minutes or it can take a lifetime, but to truly be free of the past, it's critical to evolve your response to things that happened. (Archbishop Desmond Tutu explores the forgiveness topic and presents ways to heal from deep wounds in his book The Book of Forgiveness.) Learn from mistakes If the negative aspects of the past are linked to personal mistakes, use them as opportunities for learning and improvement. Understand what went wrong and how you can make better choices in the future. Write a letter of forgiveness to yourself or someone else, whether it's you needing the forgiveness or you wishing to forgive. You may choose to send it or not send it, but the act of writing out what you wish to say can be cathartic. Focus on the present Practice mindfulness by focusing on the present moment. Dwelling on the past can lead to rumination and increased negative feelings. Instead, redirect your attention to the present. How you do this can be as simple as drinking your morning cup of coffee or tea, for example, and just sitting and "being" with your experience. Taste the beverage, feel the warmth, take in your surroundings, appreciate the way the chair or sofa feels, pet your cat or dog. Just practice being in one moment, and then another, and another. Set realistic expectations Avoid setting unrealistic expectations for yourself or others. Recognize that people and circumstances are imperfect, and life is a continual learning process. Those that have disappointed you in the past may end up disappointing you again. Try not to create ultimatums, whether spoken or unspoken, for how people should behave. Let go of perpetual judgment of others and what they should or should not be doing. Focus on yourself and your own personal growth. Release resentment Holding onto resentment towards yourself or others can hinder acceptance. Work on forgiving and letting go of negative emotions. This doesn't mean condoning actions but freeing yourself from emotional burdens. This is another good opportunity for writing things down. You could begin by writing: I resent _____ [person's name] for ________[something that happened]. It made me feel ______. I am willing to release / transform this resentment because I _______ (have decided it is in my way of having loving relationships, for example, or because I will talk to that person and let them know I have been holding onto this resentment and am willing to give it up).  Seek support Talk to friends, family, or a mental health professional about your feelings. Sharing your thoughts can provide different perspectives and emotional support. This is especially important if you have experienced trauma in your life. (Trauma, by the way, doesn't always mean abuse or tragedy. It can include being ignored, neglected, unseen, dominated, controlled, manipulated - the list goes on.) Get help if you've never had professional support for these things. Create a positive narrative Reframe your story. Instead of focusing on what went wrong, highlight the strengths and resilience you demonstrated during challenging times. Create a positive narrative that empowers you. This is another opportunity to write things down. Rewrite - and reframe - your own story, as it were. it doesn't mean changing the facts or even suppressing or dismissing your feelings. It simply means telling your own life story in a way that leaves you empowered about why you are the way you are and why the past helped to get you here. (If you feel like there's still a lot of work to be done because you're not content with who you are, keep practicing the ideas on this page.) Engage in self-reflection Take time for self-reflection to understand your values, goals, and aspirations. Use this insight to guide your present actions and decisions. Many people are bouncing around through life without intention or presence to who they are, what they want, what's happened to them and how to embrace their best selves and contribute to the world in meaningful ways. It's important to stop long enough to take it all in. Cultivate gratitude Cultivate gratitude by focusing on positive aspects of your life. Consider the things you are thankful for, no matter how small, and actively appreciate them. One daily item on your gratitude list is enough to start an avalanche of things to be grateful for. Accept imperfections Embrace the imperfections of yourself and others. Nobody is flawless, and accepting imperfections can lead to greater self-compassion and acceptance. Similar to practicing of self-compassion, this is critical to the process of forgiveness. We must look deeply at our own selves and recognize our flawed humanity while also granting others the same. Everyone is doing the best they can most of the time and it doesn't always seem "good enough" from other points of view. Give up judgment of yourself and others and realize that individual life experiences, especially from childhood, are often drivers of human behavior. The degree to which we act out in the world (and whether or not we clean it up when we've "dumped" on others) often depends on how attuned we are to our own inner psyche and behavior, and how much work we've done on ourselves to transform behavior that doesn't serve us. Set boundaries with negative influences Identify and set boundaries with people or situations that consistently bring negativity into your life. Surround yourself with positive influences that support your growth and well-being. Sometimes we will still brush up with those whom we get triggered by or we don't particularly care to be around, but they're still in our lives. Limit the amount of time spent with these folks or establish "rules" up front for what's acceptable. Remember that acceptance is an ongoing process, and it's okay to seek professional help if you find it challenging to navigate your emotions or if past experiences continue to affect your well-being. The goal is to create a healthier relationship with the past and foster a positive outlook on the present and future. Join the discussion on how to accept anything and everything about your past in the Words Speak Louder Book Club.  Content Insight
The content presented here is a collaborative effort between artificial intelligence (AI) technology and a human contributor with expertise in writing. Together, we aim to explore meaningful topics for the purpose of generating conversation, offering insights, and inspiring thoughtful discussions. While the AI contributes to the generation of content, the human expert provides guidance, context, and a nuanced understanding to enhance the overall quality of the material.
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Whether all family stories should be passed down for future generations depends on various factors, including the nature of the stories, their significance, and the preferences of the family members involved. Here are some considerations:  Cultural and historical significance Stories that hold cultural or historical significance for a family may be particularly valuable to pass down. These stories can help preserve traditions, heritage, and the historical context in which the family lived. Positive and inspirational narratives Positive and inspirational family stories can serve as sources of motivation and guidance for future generations. Sharing stories of resilience, success, and overcoming challenges can inspire and strengthen family bonds. Lessons and values Stories that convey important lessons, values, and moral principles can contribute to the ethical and moral development of future generations. They provide a context for understanding the family's values and the reasons behind them. Personal growth and transformation Stories that highlight personal growth, transformation, or significant life events can offer insights into the individual journeys of family members. These narratives can foster empathy and understanding among family members. Privacy and sensitivity Some family stories may involve sensitive or private information. In such cases, it's essential to respect the privacy of those involved and carefully consider whether sharing these stories aligns with the wishes and comfort levels of family members. Diversity of perspectives Including a diverse range of perspectives in family stories can provide a more comprehensive understanding of the family's history. Different viewpoints contribute to a richer narrative that reflects the complexity of family dynamics. Consideration of relevance Not every family story may be equally relevant or meaningful to future generations. Assessing the significance and relevance of each story can help prioritize which ones to pass down. Methods of preservation Consider the methods of preservation for family stories. This could involve oral traditions, written records, audio or video recordings, or even digital platforms. Choosing appropriate methods ensures the longevity of the stories. Family consensus It's essential to involve family members in the decision-making process. Some individuals may feel strongly about preserving certain stories, while others may prefer to keep certain aspects private. Consensus and open communication are key. Balancing positivity and realism While sharing positive and inspiring stories is valuable, families may also consider incorporating realistic and challenging aspects. This can provide a more nuanced understanding of the family's history and the resilience demonstrated over time. Deciding whether or not to pass down certain family stories depends on your family's values, the nature of the stories, and the preferences of family members. Striking a balance between preserving cultural heritage, positive narratives, and respecting privacy ensures a thoughtful and meaningful approach to passing down family stories for future generations. Join the discussion on family storytelling in the Words Speak Louder Book Club. Content Insight
The content presented here is a collaborative effort between artificial intelligence (AI) technology and a human contributor with expertise in writing. Together, we aim to explore meaningful topics for the purpose of generating conversation, offering insights, and inspiring thoughtful discussions. While the AI contributes to the generation of content, the human expert provides guidance, context, and a nuanced understanding to enhance the overall quality of the material. Determining who should be the keepers of your family history is an important decision that involves identifying individuals or a group of people who are committed to preserving, documenting, and sharing your family's stories. Here are some considerations to help you determine the keepers of family history.  Identify interest and enthusiasm Look for family members who express a genuine interest in the family's history and have enthusiasm for preserving it. Passionate people are more likely to invest time and effort into the task. Commitment to tradition Identify those who value family traditions and understand the importance of passing down the family's cultural and historical heritage to future generations. Organizational skills Consider people who are organized and detail-oriented. Preserving family history often involves managing a variety of documents, photos, and information, so organizational skills are crucial. Technological proficiency In the digital age, it's helpful to have keepers who are comfortable with technology. This includes using genealogy software, managing digital archives, and using online platforms for sharing family history. Communication skills The keepers of family history should be good communicators. They need to be able to interview family members, document stories, and potentially present the information in a way that is engaging for others. Collaborative spirit Consider people in your family who are open to collaboration. Preserving family history is often a collective effort, and having keepers who can work well with other family members ensures a more comprehensive and inclusive record. Geographical proximity If possible, choose keepers who are geographically close to other family members or historical sites. This can facilitate the gathering of information and materials. Generational representation Aim for a mix of generations among the keepers. Having representatives from different age groups can help bridge generational gaps and ensure that diverse perspectives are considered. Record of family involvement Look at the track record of potential keepers in terms of their involvement in family events, reunions, and other activities. Those who have a history of active participation may be more dedicated to the task. Willingness to learn Family history preservation may involve learning new skills, researching historical contexts, and adapting to evolving technologies. Look for those who are willing to continually educate themselves. Family consensus Discuss the role with family members and seek their input. It's essential to have a collective agreement on who should be the keepers of the family history to ensure that everyone is on board with the decision. Succession planning Consider a succession plan. Family dynamics may change over time, so having a plan for transitioning the role of family historian to the next generation ensures the continuity of the preservation effort. Ultimately, the keepers of family history should be people who are passionate about the task, possess the necessary skills, and have the support of the family. By carefully considering these factors, you can create a team or designate individuals who will effectively carry out the important responsibility of preserving your family's legacy. Come join the conversation on family history preservation in the Word Speak Louder Book Club. Content Insight
The content presented here is a collaborative effort between artificial intelligence (AI) technology and a human contributor with expertise in writing. Together, we aim to explore meaningful topics for the purpose of generating conversation, offering insights, and inspiring thoughtful discussions. While the AI contributes to the generation of content, the human expert provides guidance, context, and a nuanced understanding to enhance the overall quality of the material. Preserving your family stories is a wonderful way to ensure that the experiences, memories, and wisdom of your ancestors are passed down through generations. Here are some practical steps to help you preserve and share your family stories.  Start conversations Initiate conversations with older family members. Ask open-ended questions to encourage them to share their memories, experiences, and stories. Record these conversations if possible. Create a family tree: Build a family tree to visually represent the relationships between family members. There are online tools and genealogy software that can assist you in creating and documenting your family tree. Document interviews Record or transcribe interviews with family members. This can be done using a voice recorder, video camera, or smartphone. Ensure that you have their consent before recording. Collect photos and documents: Gather photographs, letters, diaries, and other documents that hold historical significance. Scan or digitize these items to ensure their preservation and share them with other family members. Create a family archive Establish a central location or digital archive to store family documents, photos, and recordings. Consider creating both physical and digital archives for easy accessibility. Organize information Categorize and organize the collected information. Create folders or databases that make it easy to locate specific stories, photos, and documents. Write family narratives Write narratives or stories based on the information you've gathered. This can be done in the form of a family history book, blog posts, or even short stories that capture key moments. Use technology Leverage technology to your advantage. There are genealogy websites, software, and apps designed to help you organize and share family history. Consider platforms like Ancestry.com, MyHeritage, or even social media for sharing. Preserve oral histories Consider creating an oral history project where family members record their own stories. This can include not only memories of the past but also thoughts on current events, values, and perspectives. Host family reunions Family reunions provide an excellent opportunity for sharing stories and creating new memories. Consider incorporating storytelling sessions or presentations during these gatherings. Educate younger generations: Share family stories with younger generations. Consider creating age-appropriate materials or activities to engage children and teenagers in the family history. Collaborate with relatives Encourage collaboration among family members. Create a shared online space where everyone can contribute stories, photos, and information. This collaborative effort can help fill in gaps and provide a more comprehensive family history. Consider professional help If your family history is extensive or if you encounter challenges, consider seeking the assistance of professional genealogists or archivists. By taking these steps, you can create a rich tapestry of your family's history that can be cherished by current and future generations. Remember that the preservation of family stories is a continuous process, and your efforts can have a lasting impact on the sense of identity and connection within your family. Join the conversation about preserving family history in our Words Speak Louder Book Club. Content Insight
The content presented here is a collaborative effort between artificial intelligence (AI) technology and a human contributor with expertise in writing. Together, we aim to explore meaningful topics for the purpose of generating conversation, offering insights, and inspiring thoughtful discussions. While the AI contributes to the generation of content, the human expert provides guidance, context, and a nuanced understanding to enhance the overall quality of the material. Writing your own obituary can be a reflective and meaningful exercise. While it may seem unconventional, it allows you to consider the aspects of your life that are most important to you and how you would like to be remembered.  Here are some steps to guide you through the process: Reflect on your life Take some time to reflect on your life, considering significant events, accomplishments, relationships, and the values that have shaped you. Put some thought into the legacy you wish to leave. Consider your impact Think about the impact you've had on others and the contributions you've made to your community, family, or the world. Define your values and beliefs Identify the values and beliefs that are most important to you. Consider how these principles have influenced your choices and actions throughout your life. Capture key milestones Highlight key milestones and achievements, both personal and professional. Include education, career accomplishments, relationships, and any other significant life events. Describe your personality Share aspects of your personality, such as your sense of humor, passions, hobbies, and the qualities that define you as an individual. Acknowledge relationships Mention the people who have been important in your life, whether they are family, friends, mentors, or colleagues. Express gratitude for the impact they've had on you. Express regrets and lessons learned If you feel comfortable, acknowledge any regrets you may have and share the lessons you've learned from life's challenges. This adds a sense of authenticity to your obituary. Include your wishes If you have specific wishes for your funeral, memorial, or the way you'd like to be remembered, include them in your obituary. Write in the third person Typically, obituaries are written in the third person. Use your name and describe your life as if someone else is writing about it. Review and revise Take the time to review and revise your obituary. Consider seeking input from trusted friends or family members to ensure that your self-written obituary resonates with others. Share or store securely Decide whether you want to share your self-written obituary with someone or keep it in a safe and secure place. Some people choose to share it with a close friend or family member, while others keep it private. Remember, writing your own obituary is a personal and introspective activity. It's an opportunity to reflect on your life and express how you want to be remembered. Approach it with sincerity and the knowledge that it can be a powerful tool for self-reflection and sharing your story with others. As the years go by, you may also wish to revisit your obituary. Priorities change. Your view of yourself and your life may evolve over time. You can revise your obituary to reflect these changes. Come join the conversation on writing your own obituary and related topics in the Words Speak Louder Book Club. Content Insight
The content presented here is a collaborative effort between artificial intelligence (AI) technology and a human contributor with expertise in writing. Together, we aim to explore meaningful topics for the purpose of generating conversation, offering insights, and inspiring thoughtful discussions. While the AI contributes to the generation of content, the human expert provides guidance, context, and a nuanced understanding to enhance the overall quality of the material.  Deciding on the legacy you want to leave is a personal and reflective process that involves considering your values, passions, and the impact you want to have on the world. Here are some steps you can take to help you determine the legacy you want to leave: Self-reflection Reflect on your values. Consider what principles and values are most important to you.
Identify your passions. Think about the activities and causes that truly inspire and motivate you.
Define your purpose Clarify your purpose in life. Determine the overarching purpose or mission that guides your actions.
Consider your impact Think about the impact you want to make. Consider the positive changes you want to bring to your community, society, or the world at large. Assess your skills and strengths. Identify the unique skills and strengths you possess that can contribute to making a difference. Connect with others Build relationships. Establish meaningful connections with others who share similar values and goals. Collaboration can amplify the impact of your legacy. Seek feedback. Talk to friends, family, mentors, or colleagues about your aspirations and seek their input. Others may offer valuable insights and perspectives. Create a plan Develop a roadmap. Outline specific actions and steps you can take to work toward your goals. Break down your legacy into manageable milestones. Be adaptable. Understand that plans may evolve over time, and it's okay to adjust your approach as circumstances change. Live with intention Make conscious choices. Align your daily decisions and actions with your values and long-term goals. Living with intention can help ensure that your legacy is consistent with your beliefs. Practice mindfulness. Regularly reflect on your life, choices, and progress to stay connected to your purpose. Document your journey Share your story. Consider documenting your experiences, lessons learned, and achievements. This can provide inspiration for others and contribute to the narrative of your legacy. Remember that your legacy is not only about what you achieve but also about the positive influence you have on others and the world around you. It's a continuous process of growth, learning, and contributing to the betterment of society. Join our conversation on leaving a legacy and related topics in the Words Speak Louder Book Club. Content Insight
The content presented here is a collaborative effort between artificial intelligence (AI) technology and a human contributor with expertise in writing. Together, we aim to explore meaningful topics for the purpose of generating conversation, offering insights, and inspiring thoughtful discussions. While the AI contributes to the generation of content, the human expert provides guidance, context, and a nuanced understanding to enhance the overall quality of the material.
Another treasure from the "leather satchel" collection (see previous post "Me and Josey Wales: Poetry played out in real life" is dated 1998, a poem my father wrote called "Brooklyn North" (for Allen Ginsberg), whose early friendship with Jack Kerouac and William S. Burroughs gave birth to the Beat generation of poets and writers.
Allen Ginsberg having received his master's degree from Columbia University in New York would've known the city streets my father was hauling⏤I believe it was U.S. mail⏤through at the time. Ginsberg was an avid anti-Vietnam War activist, voice of 60s counterculture and free speech. He was overtly homesexual, some of which was written about in his most famous work, "Howl and Other Poems," first published by famed San Francisco bookstore owner Lawrence Ferlinghetti of City Lights Bookstore.
Brooklyn North
Brooklyn Bridge
Naval Yard Metropolitan Ave. You are foreign but I love you. Only way a Reb could ever love a Yank. Ramblin' thru yer alleys and mean streets. Picking up yer backbeats. So much wonder waiting to be recovered. Hit Flatbush and 3rd. Orange hair Abundant. How does anyone sleep HERE? I do - peacefully. Ghost of Henry Miller 'bout 'hundred six, Streisand Lou Reed. Neil Diamond, TONS. Ragged steel-fallen souls. No room for grassy knolls. Assassination perhaps. Grabbed train to Coney. We are multi-colored Mostly looney. Where do we go? Verrazano looms. Kosiusko (sic) Tombs. We must begin to breathe AGAIN. I love yer stinking streets yer telephones once removed. Yer blacks browns yellows and whites and blues. Yer traffic james and 3 step red lights. What's not to like. You are sweet after all. "Shut up - get in da car already - drive North!" Wanna be first to know when the book comes out?
My father fancied himself an outlaw and those of us who knew him experienced his unconventional and oft times above- and outside the law ways. His favorite characters of all time were fictitious outlaw heroes like Josey Wales and the real-life Beat poet Neal Cassady, Jack Kerouac's friend and inspiration for the Dean Moriarty character in On the Road.
From the time my father was a kid, he thrived on make-believe worlds introduced in stories like The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Treasure Island, Robinson Crusoe and Mutiny on the Bounty. 
English: "Copyright © by Warner Bros. Inc." Photographer unknown., Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
Daddy wrote to one of my brothers that he went to the movies once with his father as a child and the memory stayed with him. “Thunder Road,” circa 1958 starring Robert Mitchum.
“Pop and I saw it at a Drive-in theatre. It was about a man hauling illegal ‘moonshine,’ which was a vital part of the James City County GNP where I lived. About a man breaking the law with dignity. Mitchum - cool as a cucumber.” When he was a kid, Daddy proclaimed he wanted to be any number of things, but specifically, he wrote: Garbageman. Fisherman. Minister. Hobo (now called homeless person). Professional guitarist or musician. Bum. FREE (above all). Actor. Teacher. Shipmaster. Post-mortem poetry: Finding father fodder
Not all of my father's poetry is worth sharing. He himself didn't think most of it was all that great. But he put down a lot of that brilliantly mushy alcohol-drenched mind of his in writing and sometimes the essence of him shone through.
As I've been writing this memoir, the words come through a bit louder and clearer, with greater context and clarity after reading dozens of letters and poems and memories collected over the span of more than 50 years from my own missives saved to those written other family members and people close to him. Here's a poem that surfaced in a beat-up leather satchel recently handed over to my brother after 25 years of safekeeping in the unlikely hands of an old family friend. "Your dad gave me this bag full of letters and poems and thought it might help me. I don't know why I saved them but here you go," the guy told my brother. Little did he know the content came at such a good time.
Me and Josey Wales
by F. Edward Clay, Jr. (circa 1990)
We are but we are
slim - humble resolute unstoppable without cost choices none (Want ya' to have this her' ring. My grandmother giver to me; long time ago.) I will blow head off entire if necessary. Civil War blues Antietam sure 15,000 dead writhing in one fucking day. Wanna be first to know when the book comes out?
In his next missive, Daddy apologized for the harshness while still reaming my mother for even considering buying a new vehicle. My Grandfather Clay did come through and supply her with a car. I think it was the old Chevrolet we had with the turquoise vinyl interior and the “wings” on the back. Daddy told me once the reason they stopped making those cars back in the 60s was because of kids and skateboards. Kids were getting impaled on the wings.
“If you wish to join me say at summer’s end, or fall’s leafy catastrophe, you’d best arrange to nab back $325 or what not from the school and cancel out. The girl has only 2 years before grade school. She should have one of those free - perhaps 6 months of traveling and experience.” In those early years, my father contributed gladly to my private school education, aligned with my mother on the decision to not send me through what she considered a horrible county school system at the time. He’d say things like, “If you owe any money to Salisbury School, send me the bill. I want to do it for the girl.” Then he sounded so optimistic that she and I would be joining him in Florida, canceling school and our lives in Maryland to be with him. I do kinda like the idea of six months of traveling and experience—but I was three years old after all. 
My grandmother, June (left), great-grandfather (Pappap), Daddy and I
My mother and father dolled up for a Salisbury Wi-Hi reunion, standing in front of the fireplace at my grandparents' house, Crooked Oak Lane/Quantico Road
Planning for a future together that never came
The letters continue into early summer, plans being made for Grandfather Clay to drive up to Maryland to pick me up and bring me down to Fort Lauderdale to stay with them for a month. Precautions duly noted about the swimming pool that now had extra locks and doors so I couldn’t get into the pool alone.
Daddy wrote, “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since we talked, and I know that I do need you and want you and hopefully we can work something out in short time if you want to.” He offered to buy her a round-trip ticket to come down for two weeks and she could have privacy at the place in Boca and I could stay with my grandparents. He listed a bunch of record albums and advised her not to buy duplicates unless she planned to remain separate. But maybe the next sentence didn’t exactly win my mother over. “Only thing new is my drinking has tapered off this week. Sunday Ray and I took truck to ocean; he two fifths of wine and I did in seven quarts of beer. He threw up magnificently in front of a liquor store and I annihilated myself internally—system was lousy for three days. I’ve only had a 6-pack all week. Take care of yourself, Doll. Give the Pooh a kiss for me. I love you, Ed.” 
At my great-grandparents' house at 53 Franklin Road in Newport News, Virginia
Daddy and I, Grandmother and Grandfather Clay, Pappap and Mammonk LSD, dolphins and such
Through my summer visit to Florida, the letters continued, along with invitations to my mother to come down to Lauderdale to visit or perhaps even relocate. In Miami Daddy went to see Blue Oyster Cult, John Hammond, Alex Taylor, Allman Brothers Band—a benefit for the World Dolphin Foundation.
In the early 70s, people were becoming more aware of the slaughter of dolphins and the inhumanity of captivity, thanks to Ric O’Barry, former trainer of Flipper from the TV show. His work on the set of Flipper prompted his awakening to the ills of captivity and he went on to start The Dolphin Project, receiving significant backing from musician Stephen Stills, of Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, who liked what Barry was up to. The Dolphin Project was the first to bring global attention to drive-hunting of dolphins in Taiji, Japan, and the organization continues to bring awareness to the cruelty of captivity. Ric O’Barry’s best friend was a guy named Fred Neil, a folk singer-songwriter probably best known for “Everybody’s Talkin’” from the movie Midnight Cowboy. A song he wrote that came out in 1966 called “The Dolphins” was later covered by Tim Buckley in a soulful version that’s riveting and heart-aching. (“Listen to Tim Buckley’s ‘Goodbye and Hello,’” my father encouraged in one letter written to my brother Jeffrey in later years.) From his earlier musings about dolphins, I wonder if they were something of a spirit animal for my father. Frolicking and free, exploring and adventuring—and trying to escape drag-fishing nets that would entrap them or kill them. Years later, Daddy got a dolphin tattoo on his upper left bicep. Jeffrey remembers one old Pontiac where Daddy mounted two diving dolphins in place of the hood ornament. That’s what Daddy would call “some real Clay class,” akin to stuffing his sock with leftover steamed Blue crabs at the all-you-can-eat restaurant or perhaps breaking wind at the dining room table. Aside from supporting dolphin rescue and rehab at the concert, my father wrote he’d been “zonked” on acid and had been doing a tab a week of Purple Haze while enjoying Tom Wolfe’s Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. A letter dated July 3, 1972, has FUURTHER written across the top in Ken Kesey bus fashion. “Luscious o’ Cassady in the school bus, Edward in his blue bus, gears churning like molten butter. Whee! My head and that book are two parallel movies. I think I shall get it all together through Cassady’s inspiration. The girl and I both miss mommy.” Lest anyone think my father was tripping his ass off on acid while I was in his care, it’s highly doubtful. I always stayed with my grandparents when I was down in Florida. Daddy would come and go, as I remember it, always having to leave for work. I don’t even remember if he spent nights on the sofa while I was there. Most of my early Florida memories are of my grandmother and grandfather, not so much of time spent with him. 
My Grandfather Clay, Pappap, and Grandmother and I
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In a recent conversation, I query my eldest son, now a junior in high school, “Do people still hold hands in the hallways at school? Like kids that are boyfriend and girlfriend, walking to class together?”
He looks at me kind of funny and shakes his head. “Nobody does that.” “What?” I look at him, puzzled, and indignant. “What do you mean nobody holds hands in the hallways? You mean to tell me that kids that are supposedly going out with each other don’t hold hands on the way to class?” “No, I’ve never seen anybody do that.” Aside from being completely bewildered—not being able to wrap my mind around the fact that culturally, socially, in just a generation or so, things had changed so much that kids didn’t interact the same way in school at all. I proceed to rant. “When I was your age, anybody who had a boyfriend or girlfriend, we always held hands in the hallways. Wore our boyfriend’s football jackets and all that—” “Definitely nobody’s doing that anymore, Mom,” he interrupts, reminding me just how cheesy it was. Or was it? I find myself savoring the specifics of my generation. “You don’t seem like the kind of person that would wear a football jacket,” my son says. “I know, but I was. We were undefeated state champs and my boyfriend was cool, the whole team was cool. Any girl who went out with a guy on the football team wore his jacket, for sure.” Dazed and confused: A bygone era of debauchery, worn with pride I ponder the presumed innocence of my 16-year-old—and how completely reckless and wild I was at his age, as were most of my friends, as were a majority (it seemed) of the kids in my high school. I mean, we were like Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Or Dazed and Confused. Drunk girls falling down at keg parties in the woods. Guys smoking weed in their little Chevettes in the school parking lot before school, coming into Civics class blind-stoned with glassy eyeballs and goofy smiles on their peach-fuzz faces. Not that I condone all that, necessarily, but there’s something a bit rowdier and more care-free—and I suppose residual of the 60s and 70s—that we who came of age in the 80s got to ride the wave of. And it was (mostly) fun. We were the last generation that had such freedom. “When I was your age, in high school, my girlfriend wrote notes that she signed from my mom to get me out of class early,” I impart to my son. Now that he’s old enough, I drop hints, sparingly, of just how rebellious we were. Now I can’t even take my own kid out of school for a day without a dissertation outlining a worthy excuse. Hell, my kids don’t even wanna miss a day of school. That’s how much more rule-abiding they are. I like that we were hell-raisers. Maybe my crew raised a little more than most but certainly we were well supported in Smallsbury (nickname for Salisbury where I grew up on the Eastern Shore of Maryland) where not mucha nuthin happened unless we made it happen. “God, remember the time we all showed up in court?” I reminisce with a high school girlfriend about the time we had to defend a boy who was at risk of being sent off to forestry camp. This was after a scuffle with some cops one night when we’d all been busted for underage drinking at a party. “We hitchhiked from Ocean City—barefoot!—to show up at the courthouse, can you believe that shit? Then the lawyer said, ‘Now who exactly said, ‘Get your fucking hands off of me’? And I was like, uhh, that was me.” Our friend got sent off to forestry camp anyway. And who the hell has the cojones, the downright dontgiveafuckness to show up in court barefoot? Let alone hitchhike to get there after a night of partying at the beach. Such was the tenor of high school life for me so I find myself still fixated on kids these days not even holding hands in school. “Sheesh,” I say, content to have survived my own madness yet admittedly slightly sorry for my kid, for having not the slightest clue. |
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