How do you accept the past even if it seems negative?

Accepting the past, especially if you perceive aspects of it as negative, can be a challenging but transformative process. Here are some steps to help you accept and move forward:

Acknowledge your feelings
Allow yourself to feel the emotions associated with the past. Whether it's regret, anger, or sadness, there's no feeling to resist. Just accept whatever is coming up for you if you get triggered or when you find yourself pondering something. Acknowledging your feelings is the first step toward acceptance.

 Practice self-compassion
Be kind to yourself. Are you struggling to accept your own actions or behaviors in the past? Or making yourself wrong for not having "moved on"? Grant yourself the same compassion you would offer a friend in a similar situation. Everyone makes mistakes and behaves badly sometimes, or faces difficult situations that bring out the worst in them. Keep this in mind as we move deeper into a conversation for forgiveness of others. 

Shift your perspective (embrace everything!)
Try to view the past as a source of learning and growth rather than a series of mistakes. Consider the lessons you've gained and how they've contributed to your personal development. This is critical in not just accepting the past but embracing it. To experience "completion" with everything in your past, it helps to adopt the mentality that you are who you are today because of everything (and everyone) that happened to you in the past. If you find something dissatisfying about that statement, it's your responsibility to transform aspects of yourself that no longer serve you.

Understand unchangeable aspects
Recognize aspects of the past that are beyond your control. Events cannot be changed, but your perspective and response to them can evolve. If you saw abuse in your household, for example, there is nothing to smooth over or forget about. There is, however, an opportunity to explore how you continue to respond to abuse memories today, as though it were still happening. This can take a few minutes or it can take a lifetime, but to truly be free of the past, it's critical to evolve your response to things that happened. (Archbishop Desmond Tutu explores the forgiveness topic and presents ways to heal from deep wounds in his book The Book of Forgiveness.)

Learn from mistakes
If the negative aspects of the past are linked to personal mistakes, use them as opportunities for learning and improvement. Understand what went wrong and how you can make better choices in the future. Write a letter of forgiveness to yourself or someone else, whether it's you needing the forgiveness or you wishing to forgive. You may choose to send it or not send it, but the act of writing out what you wish to say can be cathartic. 

Focus on the present
Practice mindfulness by focusing on the present moment. Dwelling on the past can lead to rumination and increased negative feelings. Instead, redirect your attention to the present. How you do this can be as simple as drinking your morning cup of coffee or tea, for example, and just sitting and "being" with your experience. Taste the beverage, feel the warmth, take in your surroundings, appreciate the way the chair or sofa feels, pet your cat or dog. Just practice being in one moment, and then another, and another.

Set realistic expectations
Avoid setting unrealistic expectations for yourself or others. Recognize that people and circumstances are imperfect, and life is a continual learning process. Those that have disappointed you in the past may end up disappointing you again. Try not to create ultimatums, whether spoken or unspoken, for how people should behave. Let go of perpetual judgment of others and what they should or should not be doing. Focus on yourself and your own personal growth.

Release resentment
Holding onto resentment towards yourself or others can hinder acceptance. Work on forgiving and letting go of negative emotions. This doesn't mean condoning actions but freeing yourself from emotional burdens. This is another good opportunity for writing things down.

You could begin by writing: I resent _____ [person's name] for ________[something that happened].
It made me feel ______.
​I am willing to release / transform this resentment because I _______ (have decided it is in my way of having loving relationships, for example, or because I will talk to that person and let them know I have been holding onto this resentment and am willing to give it up).

Seek support
Talk to friends, family, or a mental health professional about your feelings. Sharing your thoughts can provide different perspectives and emotional support. This is especially important if you have experienced trauma in your life. (Trauma, by the way, doesn't always mean abuse or tragedy. It can include being ignored, neglected, unseen, dominated, controlled, manipulated - the list goes on.) Get help if you've never had professional support for these things.

Create a positive narrative
Reframe your story. Instead of focusing on what went wrong, highlight the strengths and resilience you demonstrated during challenging times. Create a positive narrative that empowers you. This is another opportunity to write things down. Rewrite - and reframe - your own story, as it were. it doesn't mean changing the facts or even suppressing or dismissing your feelings. It simply means telling your own life story in a way that leaves you empowered about why you are the way you are and why the past helped to get you here.

(If you feel like there's still a lot of work to be done because you're not content with who you are, keep practicing the ideas on this page.)

Engage in self-reflection
Take time for self-reflection to understand your values, goals, and aspirations. Use this insight to guide your present actions and decisions. Many people are bouncing around through life without intention or presence to who they are, what they want, what's happened to them and how to embrace their best selves and contribute to the world in meaningful ways. It's important to stop long enough to take it all in.

Cultivate gratitude
Cultivate gratitude by focusing on positive aspects of your life. Consider the things you are thankful for, no matter how small, and actively appreciate them. One daily item on your gratitude list is enough to start an avalanche of things to be grateful for.

Accept imperfections
Embrace the imperfections of yourself and others. Nobody is flawless, and accepting imperfections can lead to greater self-compassion and acceptance. Similar to practicing of self-compassion, this is critical to the process of forgiveness. We must look deeply at our own selves and recognize our flawed humanity while also granting others the same. Everyone is doing the best they can most of the time and it doesn't always seem "good enough" from other points of view. Give up judgment of yourself and others and realize that individual life experiences, especially from childhood, are often drivers of human behavior. The degree to which we act out in the world (and whether or not we clean it up when we've "dumped" on others) often depends on how attuned we are to our own inner psyche and behavior, and how much work we've done on ourselves to transform behavior that doesn't serve us.

Set boundaries with negative influences
Identify and set boundaries with people or situations that consistently bring negativity into your life. Surround yourself with positive influences that support your growth and well-being. Sometimes we will still brush up with those whom we get triggered by or we don't particularly care to be around, but they're still in our lives. Limit the amount of time spent with these folks or establish "rules" up front for what's acceptable.
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Remember that acceptance is an ongoing process, and it's okay to seek professional help if you find it challenging to navigate your emotions or if past experiences continue to affect your well-being. The goal is to create a healthier relationship with the past and foster a positive outlook on the present and future.

Join the discussion on how to accept anything and everything about your past in the Words Speak Louder Book Club.

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